


Your Mom is So...

by DearEvanMurphy



Series: Dear Evan Murphy's wonderful oneshots [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 21:32:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12826536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DearEvanMurphy/pseuds/DearEvanMurphy
Summary: There's a reason that Evan and Jared don't make "your mom" jokes anymore.





	Your Mom is So...

**Author's Note:**

> Idk what this is tbh. But when I think of young Evan and Jared I feel like this happened often.
> 
> S/O to failedfalencho for helping this along and supporting my stories lol go read her stuff it's better

Evan and Jared were relaxing in Evan’s backyard when it happened first. It was the summer before 6th grade, and the two boys had decided that tag was boring if it were only both of them. It's not like he could go and ask the neighbors, either. Their son was scary and threw things at teachers. 

 

Jared, after plopping down on the grass and straightening his glasses, turned to Evan. “Hey Ev, your mom is so stupid, when she heard it was chilly outside she went to grab a bowl.” 

 

Evan looked at him confused,  but Jared burst into giggles nonetheless. 

 

“What? My mom- my mom is really s-smart. She wants to go to school after I get older, you know. She-she wants to be-" 

 

Jared held up a hand to stop him, still laughing. “It's a joke, dummy.” 

 

“Oh.” Evan paused. “I don't get it.” 

 

Jared laughed it off, jumping up. “Whatever. Tag! You're it!” 

  
They spent the rest of the evening chasing each other. 

 

* * *

It was a week later before the subject happened again. 

 

“H-hey Jared,” Evan started with a shy smile. “Your-Your mom is so fat that, that she had to-had to be baptised at sea world.” 

 

Jared paused, but laughed. “Dummy, we're Jewish.” He stopped for a minute. “Besides, your mom is so dumb she put two quarters in her ears and said she was listening to 50cent!” 

 

“W-well, your mom is so dumb that she um, tried to climb Mountain Dew!” 

 

They both burst into a fit of giggles. While they laid there trying to think of something else, Jared’s mom called them in for dinner. 

 

“Evan, your mom is so ugly that her mirror quit!” Jared laughed. Evan pouted, but couldn't retort before Jared ran in. 

 

* * *

 

The final round was after Jared had just lost tag, so in his defence he was pretty upset. 

 

“Well, your mom is so fat that she tripped and fell on Wal-Mart and rolled back the prices!” He screamed at his friend.

 

“W-well YOUR mom is so ugly that when the doctor tried to feed her to the wolves, the, um, the wolves threw her back!” 

 

“Well YOUR mom is so old that when he knew Burger King, he was a prince!” 

 

Evan bit his lip, wrinkling his eyebrows. “Well YOUR mom is so-so fat that she's on BOTH sides of the family!” 

 

Jared gasped. “YOUR MOM IS SO POOR SHE CAN'T EVEN PAY ATTENTION!” 

 

“WELL YOUR MOM- YOUR MOM STARED AT A CARTON OF JUICE BECAUSE IT SAID ‘CONCENTRATE!” 

 

Jared was breathing heavily, folding his arms. “YOUR mom is so fat that when she fell in love, she broke it! That's why your dad left!” 

 

They paused, and Evan looked up at Jared angrily. Tears pooled in his eyes, and he started crying soon after. 

 

“Ev, I- I didn't mean to hurt your feelings… we were just joking, right?” He paused. “Just for… fun?” He punched Evans shoulder, tearing up.  “C’mon Ev?” 

 

Evan kept crying, which promptly caused Jared to burst into tears. “I was joking- Just a joke…” 

 

Heidi stepped out, and looked confusedly between them. Rushing over, she bent down. “Evan hon? Jared? What happened?” She asked. 

 

They kept crying. 

 

“Are you hurt?” Jared shook his head, but Evan nodded. “Where?” They wouldn't answer. “Is it… Is it your feelings?” 

 

Evan nodded vigorously. 

 

She breathed a sigh of relief, and Jared’s mom stepped out with a smile. “Everything okay?” 

 

“I think our boys got into a fight.” 

 

In the end, they made the two hug. Ten minutes later, they were all curled up on the couch watching movies. Afterwards, it was an unspoken rule that Jared nor Evan were to make any more maternal insults. 

 

 


End file.
